The Franco-British paradox

Edit: a few more additions on 9/06/14

The lists.

You have certainly come across some lists that define whether you are or not a Londoner, a Parisian, a Russian... I have even published one here a year ago. And yet, although these lists rely on facts and clichés I totally buy into, I have also realised that after two years in the UK, I had not completely blended in. Not yet. And in fact, I am still enjoying my differences and am even building upon it.

That led me to think about what we call in French "Les combles" of a non-English in the UK. This is hard to translate a concept, but it would be the "heights" if my faithful dictionary is accurate. A "comble" is something pushed to the absurd limit, something over the top... The following is a list, which will certainly expand thanks to your comments and suggestion, of the heights of being a non-assimilated alien in the UK. Some are a bit far-fetched, yet you will pardon your humble servant.

Statement or reality.

So as a matter of fact, you indeed know that you are not assimilated in the UK when:

1. You wear flip-flops in Wellington
2. You kick a football in Rugby
3. You take a shower in Bath
4. You spread mustard in Worchester
5. You look for ancient ruins in NewCastle
6. You get a speeding ticket in Slough
7. You finish a book in Reading
8. You shot a revolver in Winchester
9. You go bankrupt in Sale
10. You remain a virgin in Middlesex
11. You keep on eating chips in Dumfries
12. You play snooker in Poole
13. You sell Biafine in Blackburn
14. You breed pitbulls in Yorkshire
15. You grow potates in Leek
16. You get nailed in Hammersmith
17. You lay back in Hastings (courtesy of Mel Cason)
18. You get screwed in Cork (sorry, not in the UK, but could not skip that one)
19. You are constipated in Waterloo
20. You are seedless in Braintree
21. You dismount in Ryde
22. You refuse to march in Marlow
23. You are a headstone cutter in Livingston
24. You are immaculate in Staines
25. You never excel in Chartwell (special tribute to Microsoft-fans)
26. You are a veggan in Egham
27. You don't do a great job in Pipewell (bit kinky this one, and need to speak French to get it)
28. You are a clueless inspector in Leeds
29. You are trading bleech in Blackpool
30. You are running in Woking
31. You get stuck in Stape
32. You get a mute audience in Acklam
33. You own a dermatological firm in Hitchin
34. You fly the gay pride flag in Grays
35. You are hacker in IPswich (sorry for the geekery)
36. You forget your teddy in Sheringham
37. You are feeding the ducks in Swanage

The British cities are so interweaved in History that their name have inflitrated the vocabulary. And vice versa. So let's see if you can come up with more statements... Up to you twisted minds!